eternal love.

If all goes well, this month will be my 11th month (officially), with Bahri.

Funny because it's actually the third year of knowing him, for me.

If I go back to meet my old self, I would've never believed me. I still can't believe either.

Rasanya masih surreal sih kalo ngebayangin effort kita buat satu sama lain, nerima kekurangan satu sama lain, berubah untuk satu sama lain.. constantly evolving to be better for each other. Meskipun pasti masih ada-ada aja berantemnya, tapi aku bersyukur at the end of the day (week, to be exact) I'm so happy I got to be the one hugging you.

Yesterday I fell in love with you all over again.

With the way you always find words that make me laugh out loud.

With the little things you remember; like the way you politely offer your seat on the left side for me.

Because you remembered.

For all the things I told and never thought anyone would remember; you did. you do.

How cute it was when you excitedly told me that the neighbor was listening to Phoebe Bridgers;

because even if you don't really dig her music; you know damn well how I love her.

And one of my favorites;

how you lean your head to the left whenever I put my head on your shoulder.

I love you Rahadian,

I will always do.

my Eternal Love.

Mungkin yang belum disadari, kata mencintai itu lebih dari sekedar sepenggal kata kerja.

Tidak adil rasanya mendefinisikan kata mencintai hanya dengan frase "memberikan kasih sayang" (KBBI, 2016);

Karena saya rasa, dibaliknya terkandung makna dan tanggung jawab yang jauh lebih besar.

Satu perangkat.

Seperti; mempelajari dan mendalami diri masing-masing,

menerima dan memaafkan kesalahan yang pasti ada saja di hari-hari ke depan,

mempertimbangkan pandangan satu sama lain,

mendengar, mendengar, mendengar, lalu baru berbicara,

dan hingga pada akhirnya terus-menerus memberikan kasih sayang meskipun, bukan hanya karena.

semoga aku dan kamu mampu, dan mau,

menempuh jalan yang tidak akan selalu beraspal rapi tak ternoda,

tetapi yang juga becek berlumpur dan tanpa tanda-tanda.

aku, mencintai kamu.

do we all have the liberation to define, what defines us? I once said to someone, that our work shouldn't define who we are; that our failure in works don't mean a failure in life. But who am I to say that? I think it's completely fine if someone wants to base their personality off of their works.

If my personality isn't revolve around my work, then what is it made of? My passion? as if I have one. My hobbies? Watching nonsense on Netflix, sleeping, playing some sports? Nah, those are just the things I do to fill up the days.

Then what makes up my personality? what makes up yours?

Semoga hidup kita selalu dipenuhi kebahagiaan dari hal-hal yang sederhana.

Seperti punggungmu yang naik turun -- terkadang disusul dengan suara dengkurmu yang halus.

aku menemukan tenang dari sana.

seperti hening yang diisi udara dingin malam dan kerlip lampu ratusan mobil di kejauhan,

kemudian telapak tanganku dan telapak tanganmu yang seolah sudah tahu kemana harus pulang.

aku dan keinginanku untuk mengabadikan pencapaian-pencapaian kecil di hidup kita;

pertama kali bermain senapan palsu di Kuningan,

photobox pertama kita di tempat makanan Meksiko,

aku yang menyaksikanmu pertama kali bermain drum dan memainkan beberapa lagu,

mobil pertamamu yang terparkir di depan rumah sahabat lamaku.

aku ingin terus berada di sana

menjadi seseorang yang berada di sampingmu saat kamu banyak melakukan hal-hal baru; 

pun tetap berada di sana ketika kamu merasa tidak kemana-mana. 

melalui kesulitan dengan mencari alasan untuk tertawa -- mungkin acara podcast favorit kita, episode serial tv jaman dahulu favorit kamu, atau cerita-cerita acak yang terlintas di kepalaku.

melalui kemudahan dengan bergandengan tangan denganmu, menjadi saksi bahwa kita berdua saja adalah cukup.

Semoga hidup kita selalu dipenuhi kebahagiaan,

dari hal yang sederhana,

dari hal yang kecil,

dari hal yang besar,

dari hal yang biasa,

dari hal yang tidak.

aamiin.

untuk kamu yang paling aku sayang.

 

Plus,

I know whatever happens to me,

I know it's for the better

I know it's for the better

Know it's for the better

Know it's for the better

Know it's for the better,

I know it's for the better.

 i want to live inside your hug, beneath your arms, forever

want to listen to your heart beating in and out of time

want to smell your perfume off your body

i want to get drown in your brown eyes everyday, for the rest of my life

Nobody knows, that every night

before I sleep,

yours is the last name that my mouth mentioned

yours is the last face that my brain pictured

yours is the last voice my ears longed to hear

yours are the last pair of eyes, that I wish I could look at before I close mine.

And if there's the slightest chance,

you don't feel the same way about me,

it's fine

because loving you is one of the main purpose God gave me

when he blew a soul into my body.

and I'm sorry 

if I'm still learning to find the correct way

each and every day

but I love you.

and to keep doing it,

is a pleasure that I would do and re-do

over and over again.