you smell like fresh soap.

it's comforting.

Kalau ditanya, paling iri sama orang yang kayak gimana?

Jawaban saya tegas, orang yang bisa melihat worth dirinya sendiri tanpa dikaburkan gangguan-gangguan lainnya. Saya lupa, kapan terakhir kali kapan menjadi demikian.

Been wasting my time for god knows how long, 

staying with people who clearly don't deserve me. Just because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that nobody could accept the mess that I have, if I have to leave

I'm afraid that nobody could ever love me for what I am, if I don't adjust and apologize.

Rasanya sedih.. setiap kali harus saya yang memulai, saya yang menjaga, dan saya yang berusaha

padahal hubungannya milik berdua. Mau pergi pun juga, kemana? Jika saya sudah terlanjur membangun rumah di tangan-tangannya, yang bahkan selalu enggan saya genggam?

Nothing can help someone in love,

not a framework, nor logic

not even a PhD.

I love you even when you hurt me all over again

when even after I forgave you and convinced myself to give you another chance,

you still do.

I love you even when you don't even ask about how my day was,

when even on the morning I had to take shooting pills because my nerves put me on the edge

and on the evening I can't sleep because scary thoughts kept me wide awake

you don't even care.

I love you even when you treat me in the coldest manner one could ever imagine

and in every waking part of my day, I kept thinking if there are any other couples out there

who just talked 3 sentences with 3 words to each other in a day.

I still love you even when I never know where I stand with you,

when every time I call I always fear that you'd have many things much more important than me

I'm scared of caring 

because most of the time, you'd find it annoying.

Jika apa yang telah berjuta hari kita jalani,

memang benar hanya sekedar simulasi

dan manusia adalah Tuhan bagi kehidupannya masing-masing,

aku hanya berharap, aku menjadi manusia yang pandai bermain sulap.

mengubah kembali cara pandangmu 

yang sudah menghitam, di setiap saat kamu melihat aku.

mengganti benci yang perlahan tumbuh,

dengan harap dan kasih yang senantiasa penuh.

--

Tetapi nyatanya, aku manusia biasa.

Yang bahkan kuasa atas diri sendiri pun tidak punya.

 

"Where do I turn to, when there's no choice to make?

And how do I presume; when there's so much at stake?

I was so sure of it all..

But what if I need you in my darkest hour?

And what if it turns out there is no other?"

I'm afraid. I'm so afraid

of the monsters in my head.

how they've been consuming me since I can't even remember when

and it scares me even more,

to know that I'm alone in this battle I could never win.

It's always a constant choice between losing or giving in.

I'm barehanded, when they put their guns on my neck

My knuckles are weak, when all I could feel was their knives behind my back

I'm helpless, and scared, and alone

everything 

is 

black

Days like this, when I just want to quote Bukowski and let the feeling vanish into thin air; 

“I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever. Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.”