"I watched you burn so fast, it scares me."

come visit my dreams,

if you have time.

but if you're busy making friends

with angels and demons,

please don't forget about me.

Ishaq Mahmudil Hakim.

I know you're fine now. 

I'll miss you so much here, see you later.

"to the narcissist i once loved."

"I know that you are pinning to see me contact you and admit that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me but I am sorry you no longer exist in my world. 

I'm sorry, you're no longer a part of my existence, 

I hope this hits you hard and it makes you realize that you're worth nothing. 

I am not the person I was, 

thank you for this transformation though I owe you nothing, not even hatred.

I am sorry you are the worst that could happen to anyone, 

because people like you don't change.

It was my bad luck that I loved such an ingrate human. 

I know that you're waiting for me to beg and plead to you 

to come back to my life but gone are the days when I used to think 

that happiness was always around you. 

Thank you for showing me that you are not worth anything.

Thank you for showing me that I'm strong enough to push you away.

It was silly of me trying to see you as my savior, 

when it was clear enough that you were the one 

digging daggers in my heart but I guess all is not lost. 

I am glad I found parts of me that gave me the will to live 

and not just exist after you left. 

I know that I loved you with every ounce of my heart 

but I also know that you were never worth anything. 

Good luck in finding solace for I know you never will. 

I hope you realize that you're the darkness that looms over people's future.

You talked of promises that you didn't bother to keep 

and you inflicted pain and never cared.

I am not regretting to have met you, 

I am disgusted by the thought of loving such monster.

People like you are always rendered alone 

and I hope what you made me go through comes back to you. 

The thing is I have learnt not to settle for anything 

that threatens my inner peace, 

I have learnt to put myself first and I gave up on you 

because you're worth nothing. Not even a penny.

Today I realize that losing you was my biggest win."

4 tahun

Mesin waktu paling mutakhir yang berhasil diciptakan manusia,

masih sesederhana mata yang terpejam, hening, dan kepala yang berkelana.

Seperti milikku yang seringkali membawaku menjelajahi tempat-tempat

dan waktu-waktu di masa lalu, 

yang aku sendiri sudah mulai lupa pernah berada disana.

Malam-malam di Pasar Minggu, 

menyantap bubur kacang hijau bersama Ishaq.

Bercerita mengenai sebuah nama yang ternyata -- 

sampai detik ini, masih menjadi penting

Atau Kancil lama, pukul 8 malam. Zaka, Denisa, dan masih saja Ishaq.

Hidup begitu sederhana, 

di sebagian hari lainnya.

Aku yang menghabiskan waktu makan siang menemani Rakha 

menghabiskan 3 batang rokok dan segelas kopi hitam.

Atau bercengkrama hingga dini hari, menjadi penghuni terakhir kedai kopi.

Mesin waktu ini mutakhir sekali

tidak hanya wajah, tempat, dan waktu

aku dibawanya berjelajah sambil merasa

menyadari bahwa dahulu sederhana saja.

Bahagia sesederhana tautan tangan yang hangat 

disaat hujan melanda.

Jika saja tubuhku juga bisa dibawanya ke sana.

Aku mau pergi, kembali ke hari ulang tahunku yang ke-18.

Akan kutarik semua kata-kataku yang membuatmu ragu dan ingin mundur saja.

Harusnya semua bisa sempurna, kamu yang hadir di kotaku,

membawakanku sebuah buku yang tebalnya minta ampun

patung Darth Vader yang sampai saat ini masih kupajang di kamarku.

Dan lukisan wajah yang pun sampai saat ini, masih kujadikan pembatas buku darimu.

Duniaku hancur saat itu, kamu yang menghancurkannya.

Apa jadinya kalau-kalau, kita bisa baik-baik saja?

Menjalani hari ulang tahunku selayaknya pasangan lain pada umumnya

menyesap kopi dingin, dan menyanyikan senandung panjang umurnya

Apa jadinya, kalau-kalau, kamu bisa baik-baik saja?

Mandi 2 kali sehari seperti orang lainnya,

Tidur 4 jam sehari seperti manusia biasa.

Apa jadinya? Kalau-kalau, aku tidak sejatuh cinta ini sejak awalnya?

Ah, untungnya mesin waktu ini mudah sekali mengoperasikannya.

Aku hanya tinggal membuka mata dan tersenyum seolah sedang baik-baik saja.

Walaupun ada yang tanggal dan membasahi pipi dan pelupuk mata.

A Late Letter from Q Word #4

"Hehe iya Mba Lit, tapi gamau buru-buru sih dianya juga masih trauma. Putusnya sih udah lama tapi dia baru tau kalo dia diselingkuhin."

----

I mean, not saying that I've been in the same situation.. but I kinda relate to the pain he had to bear. Like realizing that all this time, the efforts, the love, and all the things i've spent with someone don't even matter at the same level. 

How hurt it is to know that replacing me is so easy and effortless, 

that even in a week or two you've found someone new.

"She'll fight for you like hell, then force herself, to like some other men."

John: 

"That's what women do. 
They show up 100 percent. 

There is a time they're 100 percent with everything. 

And then at some point, for whatever reason, 

not making a judgement, you say "nah". 

and what they force themselves to do 

to get over you is so transformative, 

for good and bad you will never 

see that whole person again. 

They will never show.. 

(She'll fight for you like hell), 

there is the time that they'll be 

fighting for you with everything they have. 

But when you say, in that moment - 

and maybe it's right that you do, 

maybe the end joke of Never on The Day You Leave 

is it's all bad thinking; 

you shouldn't be together.  

But that's not what it's about 

in that moment of that song. 

That song is about a moment you're investigating 

why you're so lonely and why 

you don't have this thing. 

Maybe it's revisionist history 

and you're completely wrong.

----

(She'll fight for you like hell, 

then force herself, to like some other men)

That's what people do. 

When you finally say "I don't want to", 

There is a day they stop calling. 

And that's when guys go "Oh my god."

365.

Hey it's been a year since we started talking with each other. Exactly a year.

I usually wouldn't let someone screw with me for a year, but you managed to always come back in the most inconvenient times. The blame's on me though, I keep on letting you come back.. even when knowing you're not worth it.

But I always believe people are just like phases, 

they'll come and they'll go.

Some stayed longer than the other,

Some just passing by.

Everything still feel very abstract to me.

How most nights I know that I've never loved you

but I know I couldn't hate you for what you've done either.

How most nights I forget for a while that you exist,

and how on the other nights I really miss how your arms felt when you hugged me.

Or the evenings we spent just talking and laughing in my room.

But then again, people are phases.

And I'll make sure you're going away.

A late letter from Q word #3.

I listened to "Modern Love" podcast while doing work out today. It's been a while since I listened to it (almost a year! I remembered I was on a train ride home from campus that day). I chose Hasan Minhaj's episode. It was good, the title was "Researching Jenna", where a man does a research to find out the reason Jenna left him after 10 years of relationship. After all, he found out that he didn't really want to know the answers, he just needs to go through it as a part of his therapy.

Then I listened to the next episode, titled "Alone in The Pandemic", a collection of people's stories and their perspective on being alone during quarantine. I'm never really alone on my quarantine time -- but as someone who's "closed" enough, most of the times I feel alone. I never really wanted to reach out to anyone in this situation, but sometimes my mind is killing me. Maybe I do need someone after all. Maybe I just need therapy. Maybe I don't know what I need.

Someone on the episode said that the quarantine had helped her discover many things about herself. I think I'd disagree with that. Rather than knowing what I want to do, I felt like I'm a bit more lost because of this situation. All I know is I want to be loved by someone who genuinely loves me, and no one else. I want to be someone that understands the messy form that I am, the shitty person that is me. I want someone that wants to learn about me, learns with me, and grow. I want to be with someone honest, loyal, and willing to work things out. I think these qualities used to be bare minimums, but the reality is today they are rare.

I would not let someone unworthy make me sad again. I won't. I'm saving my tears for someone worthy.

"simultaneous utopia and dystopia"

A late letter from the Q word #2.

I watched "The Social Dilemma" today. I've seen quite many movies with the same genre, they're all typical.. claiming to "dig" the dirt behind current technology, revealing the dark secret that only people behind the tech industry know. I gained some insights tho, how nobody could be immune to the effects, not even the workers and the founders. We're all addicted to the screens, what differentiates us is just the length and the intensity.

I did some reflections too. One of the many bad things caused by targeted advertisement made by AI is polarizations, we live in the most polarized era ever. How even on the same afternoon before I watched this film, I tweeted about how stupid are the people that don't believe in social distancing. How am I so disappointed that Aldi -- re: my eternal crush -- seems to disagree with the rule. I hated that fact. Eventhough I didn't even know the alternative truth behind their beliefs.

The outtakes tho, does truth exist? Who owns it? Who has the power to decide how much of the truth are allowed to be consumed? Why do we always need to surrender ourselves to those 0,02% of riches of the world? They don't even make up for the majority of us.

The super brain is a big lie. We're all a slave of the piece of tech we have on our side every second of the day.

How to disappear completely?

A Late Letter from The Q Word.

I don't know how ya'll see me, but i'm not a strong person. I never was. And still aren't.
I've had suicidal thoughts, I'm not even brave enough to cut some skins and see blood so that the pain can become real. But I do punch my knuckles to the walls just to see them became red though, occasionally. Now I see what's with all the fuss, at least the pain was real and I would know how and where to deal with it.

I ran away from sadness because that's what a loser do. I always thought that by forgetting things the scars will heal eventually, but maybe that's not so wise. Once I revisited the wound it hurts like hell, it stinks like dead rat, and everything went back to zero. The title I have is just a mere title, I don't know how to deal with my griefs. Then again who does?

In times I think about reasons to hate myself, I know that I'm just a pushover for my own feelings. I know I'm just a slave for the voices in my head. I don't know why i'm so weak, I don't know how I could forgive stupid people again and again, letting them hurt me for god knows how many times. I need to talk with someone, but I felt like no one cares. I'm so picky because I know not everyone has the time and the emotional capability of dealing with a shitty mess like me, but the one person that I know has the capabilities are no longer available in my life. She's busy doing her own life.

I don't feel like I need somebody because I still think that no living being could deal with my thoughts and myself at all.

Then again, I think decency, kindness, honesty and loyalty are so rare nowadays. It's a very expensive price to pay. And I don't have the money.

Why do I hold my door open just for people to come inside and hurt me all over again, for hundredth of times? Why do I do this? Why do I sign up for this?

How do one gets over their traumas?

I have no job, no best friend, and no purpose. 

I don't even know what's the point of staying alive if i'm just here to be a burden to everybody.