23.12.20

i'm 22!

Hey, it's been a while.
It's my first day being a 22. Feels weird, all my friends are on the edge of their 22 -- while i'm here, barely starting.

Aji just came back (more like being 500m apart from me, we're kind of lucky to find a nearby hostel lol). He taught me many, many things in such a short time. Well it's been 3 months since we started talking, and a month since we started dating. Sometimes I woke up thinking what would I do if I hadn't meet him.

The world needs to know that there's somebody who loves me that much. It has to know that there's someone worthy enough to be trusted. It needs to know that he has a name, and it's Aji Darmawan.

I'm still learning to love you the right way. I'm loving you with my leftovers, but I guarantee you when I love, I love hard.

Thank you for being the gift that keeps on giving. I love you like so much. So, so much.

19.11.20

 


    "All we wanted was peace and quiet,
you make me feel it.
I feel it, when i'm with you.

it's so significant that we found each other
when we did."

16.11.20

winter butterflies.

Aku tersenyum menuju lelapku.
Katamu, beberapa tahun yang lalu, 
Rara pernah menjadi guru di sebuah sekolah kecil di bilangan Rumpin. 
Kamu membacakan cerita tentang pohon tua 
yang menyayangi pemiliknya di setiap keadaan.

Sial, aku lupa kapan terakhir kali merasakan hangat 
yang sebegitunya menyesapi dada,
rasanya pelaaaan sekali tapi menyenangkan.
Kadang aku sampai bingung harus menghadapi kebaikanmu 
dengan cara yang bagaimana lagi,
kelembutanmu dengan senang yang bagaimana lagi.

Jika kelembutan harus terpaksa kudefinisikan,
akan kuceritakan tiap-tiap kamu berucap setengah berbisik,
"Selamat tidur, Alita."


kita hanya dua asing yang terombang-ambing di kalutnya semesta;
di riuhnya gemuruh kebingungan;
dan di gaduhnya hingar bingar ketakutan.
mencoba mencari pegangan,
dan menemukan satu sama lain.

13.11.20

I'll watch you sleep, listen to you breathe.

 I've been playing dead, my whole life
And I got this feeling whenever I feel good,
it'll be the last time.
But I feel something, when I see you now.
I feel something
when I see you.

3.11.20

Phoebe Bridgers - I Know The End.

Seperti halnya NIKI dengan lagu "Lose" yang pada masanya, menurut saya, sangat mampu menggambarkan belenggu yang coba saya lepas.. hari ini saya menemukan "I Know The End" milik Phoebe Bridgers. Rasanya aneh sekali, menemukan lagu yang membawa saya kembali ke sore hari di bulan Februari.


"Like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore,
not even the burnouts are out here anymore.
And you had to go..
I know, I know,
I know

Out in the park we watch the sunset
talking on a rusty swing set
After a while you got quiet, and I got mean

Always pushing you away from me
but you come back with gravity."

Kalau kamu baca dan kalau kamu lupa, iya, yang saya maksud Taman Tebet. Di kebetulan itu, kita sama-sama duduk di sebuah ayunan berkarat, atau alat olahraga yang sudah bau besi. Menunggu matahari tenggelam untuk sama-sama menutup hari. Kamu yang banyak bercerita, hingga pada satu waktu mengeluarkan pernyataan aku cocok bertemu dengan ibumu. Payah sekali aku mempercayaimu. Dan tidak lama kamu lelah berbicara, menjadi diam, dan aku seperti biasa, menjadi marah.

Seingatku malam itu ditutup dengan semangkuk bubur dan sepiring nasi gila. Hangat dan menyenangkan. Tapi sekarang begitu menyesakkan.

30.10.20

In my dreams everything is fine;


I dreamed of forever being under the dark blue water
it's cold, but i'm floating gently
my feet swaying upwards, backwards
slowly, like i've been living there for years.

I dreamed of being able to breathe water
so that I could spend the rest of my life not listening to things I don't want to hear
or talk about things I never wanted to talk about.
Just me and my thoughts alone,
surrounded by blue, and sun rays that succeeded in breaking through.

I dreamed of few hours before,
when we're still fine, at least I were.
Our hands intertwined,
we laughed and we trembled.
The water was way too cold,
but at least we're happy.

I dreamed of another chance in another life
where we're fine, and 
normal.
Spent the day loving. 
While watching the mountain greens and water blue, 
interchanging.

24.10.20

Kaki Gunung Sumbing, 2020.

I kinda think I could survive forever without ever getting bored of you.
We could refuse to wake up on the weekends, stuffed in our favorite blankets. I make your favorite cup of coffee, while taking Rocky to our bed.

We could turn the turntable on
and put Chet Baker on repeat.
Or simply watch "Her" for god knows how many time already.

I could watch you work forever. I could listen to your nags all day.

If you're looking for someone that looks at you the way Rocky did, I'm here.

20.10.20

 sometimes you just gotta remember
what needs to be remembered.


when times,
 we're swallowed up in space
we're there
a million miles away.

19.10.20

3 Jam 31 Menit.


Have you ever talked to someone and felt like.. 
you found a piece of yourself you've always been looking for?

It's still too early to define what I feel,
but alas, I like your sleepy voice so much.
I like the story about your road trip to Bagan Batu,
I like your rants about how incapable you are 
(when in fact you're one of the coolest and most perseverance person... for all I knew)
I like your stories, your doubts, and your funny jokes.

Thank you for giving us a shot, Ji.

*Alexa, play The Moon Song by Karen O, please*

13.10.20

A Late Letter from The Q Word #6


I finally watched "Jojo Rabbit" tonight.
The thing that's always hanging on my head when I watched it: 
"How does Taika managed to treat this piece like it was made by Wes Anderson? 
Minus the weird part, and overly placed pastel color."

Yes, I may not have said this loudly, I don't like Wes' treatment in his movies.
I always thought "Moonrise Kingdom" is boring, and is trying so hard,
maybe it's the old-soul Capri in me talking, but it's just me.

I couldn't get past over the first 5 minutes into "The Grand Budapest Hotel". 
It was too weird for me.
Well, what a weird thing to say from someone who enjoys Yorgos Lanthimos' 
work a little bit too much. Or perhaps i'm just too dark to see the beauty in pastel colors? 
I don't know. I like Jojo Rabbit though. Call it a Wes Anderson-ish movie but make it better.

See how this Q thing messed me up well in the head? I should've talked about Jojo, not Wes Anderson. Anyway,


I think it's no use to be so consumed with useless things.
Just a food for the thought.

7.10.20

A Late Letter from the Q word #5

I talked with Rama last night, talked HARD.
Lupa deh kapan terakhir kali ngobrol segini lamanya sama orang, kayaknya tahun lalu deh.
Gak janjian gak apa, tau-tau dia curhat aja gitu, telpon. I was up though since I need someone to accompany me working.

Kayaknya baru sekali ini kita telponan, setelah terakhir ngobrol panjang tahun lalu pas ketemuan. Sisanya ya paling chatan super panjang aja.

It's funny to think that I made a bestfriend through social media. Bahkan ketika kita sama-sama menguliti satu masalah ke masalah lainnya, TERLALU banyak kesamaan kita.

Dari dampak psikologis jadi anak ke-3 dari tiga bersaudara, kita yang sama-sama punya dua kakak laki-laki, kakak kita yang pertama sama-sama kuliah Hukum, kakak kita yang kedua sama-sama kuliah Ekonomi Pembangunan, kakak kita sama-sama ada yang bekerja di Bank yang sama melalui program yang sama pula. Rasanya mau muntah ketawa pas kita menemukan fakta-fakta ini.

Dan rasanya, kayak otak gue dibelah dua dan dibagi ke dua kepala. Cara kita yang sama banget ngadepin masalah di dalam hubungan, cara kita mandang orang lain.

Gue rasa penting deh buat menjaga kekaguman atas satu sama lain, gue yang kagum sama luasnya pengetahuan lo soal hal-hal yang sebenernya ga pentin-penting banget. Gue selalu kagum sama kemampuan lo ngehabisin banyak banget buku. Lo yang mau belajar banyak hal dari gue. Gue kagum banget, parah.

I really do wish this friendship will last forever Ram. You're my saving grace. Thank you for coming into and staying in my life! cheers.

*alexa, play Caution by Tiny Moving Parts, please!*

5.10.20

the worst thing is thinking I have been okay enough to face this, when in fact I've never been at all.

2.10.20

 the noblest thing I could do to myself right now; surrender.

28.9.20

"I watched you burn so fast, it scares me."


come visit my dreams,
if you have time.

but if you're busy making friends
with angels and demons,
please don't forget about me.

26.9.20

Ishaq Mahmudil Hakim.


I know you're fine now. 
I'll miss you so much here, see you later.

"to the narcissist i once loved."

"I know that you are pinning to see me contact you and admit that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me but I am sorry you no longer exist in my world. 
I'm sorry, you're no longer a part of my existence, 
I hope this hits you hard and it makes you realize that you're worth nothing. 
I am not the person I was, 
thank you for this transformation though I owe you nothing, not even hatred.

I am sorry you are the worst that could happen to anyone, 
because people like you don't change.
It was my bad luck that I loved such an ingrate human. 
I know that you're waiting for me to beg and plead to you 
to come back to my life but gone are the days when I used to think 
that happiness was always around you. 
Thank you for showing me that you are not worth anything.
Thank you for showing me that I'm strong enough to push you away.

It was silly of me trying to see you as my savior, 
when it was clear enough that you were the one 
digging daggers in my heart but I guess all is not lost. 
I am glad I found parts of me that gave me the will to live 
and not just exist after you left. 
I know that I loved you with every ounce of my heart 
but I also know that you were never worth anything. 

Good luck in finding solace for I know you never will. 
I hope you realize that you're the darkness that looms over people's future.
You talked of promises that you didn't bother to keep 
and you inflicted pain and never cared.

I am not regretting to have met you, 
I am disgusted by the thought of loving such monster.
People like you are always rendered alone 
and I hope what you made me go through comes back to you. 
The thing is I have learnt not to settle for anything 
that threatens my inner peace, 
I have learnt to put myself first and I gave up on you 
because you're worth nothing. Not even a penny.

Today I realize that losing you was my biggest win."

25.9.20

4 tahun

Mesin waktu paling mutakhir yang berhasil diciptakan manusia,
masih sesederhana mata yang terpejam, hening, dan kepala yang berkelana.
Seperti milikku yang seringkali membawaku menjelajahi tempat-tempat
dan waktu-waktu di masa lalu, 
yang aku sendiri sudah mulai lupa pernah berada disana.

Malam-malam di Pasar Minggu, 
menyantap bubur kacang hijau bersama Ishaq.
Bercerita mengenai sebuah nama yang ternyata -- 
sampai detik ini, masih menjadi penting
Atau Kancil lama, pukul 8 malam. Zaka, Denisa, dan masih saja Ishaq.

Hidup begitu sederhana, 
di sebagian hari lainnya.
Aku yang menghabiskan waktu makan siang menemani Rakha 
menghabiskan 3 batang rokok dan segelas kopi hitam.
Atau bercengkrama hingga dini hari, menjadi penghuni terakhir kedai kopi.

Mesin waktu ini mutakhir sekali
tidak hanya wajah, tempat, dan waktu
aku dibawanya berjelajah sambil merasa
menyadari bahwa dahulu sederhana saja.
Bahagia sesederhana tautan tangan yang hangat 
disaat hujan melanda.

Jika saja tubuhku juga bisa dibawanya ke sana.
Aku mau pergi, kembali ke hari ulang tahunku yang ke-18.
Akan kutarik semua kata-kataku yang membuatmu ragu dan ingin mundur saja.

Harusnya semua bisa sempurna, kamu yang hadir di kotaku,
membawakanku sebuah buku yang tebalnya minta ampun
patung Darth Vader yang sampai saat ini masih kupajang di kamarku.
Dan lukisan wajah yang pun sampai saat ini, masih kujadikan pembatas buku darimu.

Duniaku hancur saat itu, kamu yang menghancurkannya.
Apa jadinya kalau-kalau, kita bisa baik-baik saja?
Menjalani hari ulang tahunku selayaknya pasangan lain pada umumnya
menyesap kopi dingin, dan menyanyikan senandung panjang umurnya

Apa jadinya, kalau-kalau, kamu bisa baik-baik saja?
Mandi 2 kali sehari seperti orang lainnya,
Tidur 4 jam sehari seperti manusia biasa.
Apa jadinya? Kalau-kalau, aku tidak sejatuh cinta ini sejak awalnya?

Ah, untungnya mesin waktu ini mudah sekali mengoperasikannya.
Aku hanya tinggal membuka mata dan tersenyum seolah sedang baik-baik saja.
Walaupun ada yang tanggal dan membasahi pipi dan pelupuk mata.

21.9.20

A Late Letter from Q Word #4

"Hehe iya Mba Lit, tapi gamau buru-buru sih dianya juga masih trauma. Putusnya sih udah lama tapi dia baru tau kalo dia diselingkuhin."

----

I mean, not saying that I've been in the same situation.. but I kinda relate to the pain he had to bear. Like realizing that all this time, the efforts, the love, and all the things i've spent with someone don't even matter at the same level. 

How hurt it is to know that replacing me is so easy and effortless, 
that even in a week or two you've found someone new.

20.9.20

"She'll fight for you like hell, then force herself, to like some other men."

John: 

"That's what women do. 
They show up 100 percent. 
There is a time they're 100 percent with everything. 
And then at some point, for whatever reason, 
not making a judgement, you say "nah". 

and what they force themselves to do 
to get over you is so transformative, 
for good and bad you will never 
see that whole person again. 

They will never show.. 
(She'll fight for you like hell), 
there is the time that they'll be 
fighting for you with everything they have. 
But when you say, in that moment - 
and maybe it's right that you do, 
maybe the end joke of Never on The Day You Leave 
is it's all bad thinking; 
you shouldn't be together.  

But that's not what it's about 
in that moment of that song. 
That song is about a moment you're investigating 
why you're so lonely and why 
you don't have this thing. 
Maybe it's revisionist history 
and you're completely wrong.

----

(She'll fight for you like hell, 
then force herself, to like some other men)

That's what people do. 
When you finally say "I don't want to", 

There is a day they stop calling. 
And that's when guys go "Oh my god."

365.

Hey it's been a year since we started talking with each other. Exactly a year.
I usually wouldn't let someone screw with me for a year, but you managed to always come back in the most inconvenient times. The blame's on me though, I keep on letting you come back.. even when knowing you're not worth it.

But I always believe people are just like phases, 
they'll come and they'll go.
Some stayed longer than the other,
Some just passing by.

Everything still feel very abstract to me.
How most nights I know that I've never loved you
but I know I couldn't hate you for what you've done either.

How most nights I forget for a while that you exist,
and how on the other nights I really miss how your arms felt when you hugged me.
Or the evenings we spent just talking and laughing in my room.

But then again, people are phases.
And I'll make sure you're going away.

12.9.20

A late letter from Q word #3.

I listened to "Modern Love" podcast while doing work out today. It's been a while since I listened to it (almost a year! I remembered I was on a train ride home from campus that day). I chose Hasan Minhaj's episode. It was good, the title was "Researching Jenna", where a man does a research to find out the reason Jenna left him after 10 years of relationship. After all, he found out that he didn't really want to know the answers, he just needs to go through it as a part of his therapy.

Then I listened to the next episode, titled "Alone in The Pandemic", a collection of people's stories and their perspective on being alone during quarantine. I'm never really alone on my quarantine time -- but as someone who's "closed" enough, most of the times I feel alone. I never really wanted to reach out to anyone in this situation, but sometimes my mind is killing me. Maybe I do need someone after all. Maybe I just need therapy. Maybe I don't know what I need.

Someone on the episode said that the quarantine had helped her discover many things about herself. I think I'd disagree with that. Rather than knowing what I want to do, I felt like I'm a bit more lost because of this situation. All I know is I want to be loved by someone who genuinely loves me, and no one else. I want to be someone that understands the messy form that I am, the shitty person that is me. I want someone that wants to learn about me, learns with me, and grow. I want to be with someone honest, loyal, and willing to work things out. I think these qualities used to be bare minimums, but the reality is today they are rare.

I would not let someone unworthy make me sad again. I won't. I'm saving my tears for someone worthy.

10.9.20

"simultaneous utopia and dystopia"

A late letter from the Q word #2.

I watched "The Social Dilemma" today. I've seen quite many movies with the same genre, they're all typical.. claiming to "dig" the dirt behind current technology, revealing the dark secret that only people behind the tech industry know. I gained some insights tho, how nobody could be immune to the effects, not even the workers and the founders. We're all addicted to the screens, what differentiates us is just the length and the intensity.

I did some reflections too. One of the many bad things caused by targeted advertisement made by AI is polarizations, we live in the most polarized era ever. How even on the same afternoon before I watched this film, I tweeted about how stupid are the people that don't believe in social distancing. How am I so disappointed that Aldi -- re: my eternal crush -- seems to disagree with the rule. I hated that fact. Eventhough I didn't even know the alternative truth behind their beliefs.

The outtakes tho, does truth exist? Who owns it? Who has the power to decide how much of the truth are allowed to be consumed? Why do we always need to surrender ourselves to those 0,02% of riches of the world? They don't even make up for the majority of us.

The super brain is a big lie. We're all a slave of the piece of tech we have on our side every second of the day.

8.9.20

How to disappear completely?

A Late Letter from The Q Word.

I don't know how ya'll see me, but i'm not a strong person. I never was. And still aren't.

I've had suicidal thoughts, I'm not even brave enough to cut some skins and see blood so that the pain can become real. But I do punch my knuckles to the walls just to see them became red though, occasionally. Now I see what's with all the fuss, at least the pain was real and I would know how and where to deal with it.

I ran away from sadness because that's what a loser do. I always thought that by forgetting things the scars will heal eventually, but maybe that's not so wise. Once I revisited the wound it hurts like hell, it stinks like dead rat, and everything went back to zero. The title I have is just a mere title, I don't know how to deal with my griefs. Then again who does?

In times I think about reasons to hate myself, I know that I'm just a pushover for my own feelings. I know I'm just a slave for the voices in my head. I don't know why i'm so weak, I don't know how I could forgive stupid people again and again, letting them hurt me for god knows how many times. I need to talk with someone, but I felt like no one cares. I'm so picky because I know not everyone has the time and the emotional capability of dealing with a shitty mess like me, but the one person that I know has the capabilities are no longer available in my life. She's busy doing her own life.

I don't feel like I need somebody because I still think that no living being could deal with my thoughts and myself at all.

Then again, I think decency, kindness, honesty and loyalty are so rare nowadays. It's a very expensive price to pay. And I don't have the money.

Why do I hold my door open just for people to come inside and hurt me all over again, for hundredth of times? Why do I do this? Why do I sign up for this?

How do one gets over their traumas?

I have no job, no best friend, and no purpose. 
I don't even know what's the point of staying alive if i'm just here to be a burden to everybody.

25.8.20

Saksikan Akhir Dunia Denganku.

Goodnight Electric - Misteria

Mari saksikan akhir dunia bersamaku,

melihat matahari mengubah warnanya menjadi merah tua
kehitam-hitaman,
hingga kita sama-sama memicingkan mata karena kesilauan.

Berlari-larian, berhamburan,
yang terlihat bodoh karena kita sama-sama tahu
tidak akan mencapai mana.

Atau jika sedang berada di bibir pantai,
melihat ombak bergulung-gulung berlomba menelan kita.
Para nelayan membusungkan dada, menyambut akhir dunia dengan bangga.

Mari saksikan akhir dunia bersamaku,

menjadi manusia terakhir yang meninggalkan bumi dengan keadaan masih jatuh cinta.

Sekeras apapun berusaha, selamanya hanyalah sementara,
beberapa menit yang tersedia antara aku kamu, dan akhir dunia.

18.8.20

11.57 KM


08.30 A.M, 
it was a random ride but i'm a happy happy happy kid. The weather was sunny, the traffic although wasn't so fine but it was alright.


Awalnya takut banget sama flyover ini, taunya jauh lebih mending dari Ceger. 


Yova, Kohen, Ami, Yoga. Suddenly it's Senior High School again (+ the sudden appearance of THE EX i last met 6 years ago... i guess..) terus langsung jadi bahan cengan anak-anak.
Tapi yaaaa emang dasarnya kangen ketemu dan ngobrol banyak sama orang aja sih hehehehe. Missing Dime here. 


Thank you Bogor Fixed Faction, Partner on Pedal!

6.8.20

what they don't talk about when they talk about love

Top Spots to See The Beauty of Jakarta From Above | NOW! JAKARTA

Fitri: "Kalo kamu bisu, gimana kamu bisa gombalin aku?"
Edo: "Siapa tau? kan gombal gak harus pake kata-kata."
Fitri: "Terus pake apa?"
Edo: "Pake.... ciuman"
Fitri: "Terus?"
Edo: "Terus, momen-momen magis."

4.8.20

am i a failure yet?
or is it fine to be,
because the world is ending anyway?

1.8.20

we are my most favorite coincidence in 2020.

Seperti Matahari pada Bumi;
Bara kepada Api;
Lalu Sipon kepada Wiji;

harap bagai penggerak.
dan bahkan dari puruk yang paling,
kaki masih dapat beranjak.

😊

14.7.20

araksaB nagnajeW.


".iridnes irid taub hal gnaujreb tsael ta, nial gnaro taub gnaujreb asibag olak" ..nial gnay asam-asam id atila kutnu nasep tikides amuc ini nikgnum .hailuk gnajnapes tareb gnilap gnalibid asib gnay asam-asam itawelem eug ninemen hadu anerak iridnes aynnatihapek aynup nagnayab nagned iranem ,kurub uata sugab hatne .utig -- nakam kane-kane igal sap gnasip ijib tigigegn ajagnes ag kayak ,his tihap aynasar

.gnarakes gnay iridnes atila irid ek gnomogn gnay atila kayak .aynnasep ipaserem nad uti asam-asam ek kilab ,utkaw nisem ek ol tuki amas-amas kayak aynasar .irihkaid askapret surah hadu ialum muleb gnay nagnubuh ,anamig aynrihka natahilek muleb gnay ispirks .pudih malad tareb gnilap asam-asam itawelem igal eug ,ini namaker nikib ol akitek amas gnay utkaw id

12.7.20

And i hope someday,
you’ll find peace within yourself
that will stop you from creating chaos within others.

I hope someday you find closure,
so that nothing has to cling onto hesitations and uncertainty, 
tangled upon your “i don’t know yets” or “maybes”.

I hope you can someday see from the other side
How people have feelings and how easy for you to break their hearts

And i hope you find happiness.
That will turn to sappy dramatic sadness in just a snap of a finger,
So that you will learn,
and crash,
and burn,
and survive from your own trauma.

I pray that your heart will break, 
your eyes turn red 
and you feel anxious at some random 2 am weekdays. 
So that you will fathom how it feels to, feel.

I hope you will understand.

11.7.20


I feel so sick doctor, 
it hurts
and I exist

this isn't the pain I'm usually in
I hope it's not contagious.

If you find me,
would you please remind me

why I should wake up tomorrow?

1.7.20

you are the amber of my heart, whether you like that or not

























22.50.

A: "Eh serem banget masa ada kecoa buntung lewat"
R: "Itu spesies baru, bukan buntung."
R: "Hasil kawin silang kecoa sama kelapa"
A: "Kenapa kelapa bukan keong atau tutut"
R: "Karena kelapa dan kecoa disingkat jadi kecoa. Keong juga sih.."
R: "Cuma dalam kondisi keong resesif dan kecoa dominan"
R: "Ya kelapa juga gt deng."
A: "Kalo kyk gini aku makin sayang sama kamu"
R: "Kamu sayang sm yg aneh ya?"
A: "Sama kamu pokoknya, di setiap keadaan"
R: *sent a love*
R: "Ih bisa kasih lope"
R: "Kirain tujuannya ngelove apa gt. Malah emoticon"

23.15

R: "Aneh bgt waktu."
R: "Baru duduk, udah lewat setengah jam"
R: "Apaan sih, nih"
A: "Anehan waktu apa aku?"
R: "Waktu"
A: "Yes"
R: "Kamu mah udah aneh"
A: "Yah"
























R: "Manusia aneh yah"
R: "Dikejar2 waktu. Dikejar2 konsep yang dibikin sendiri."
R: "Coba serigala, gatau waktu"
R: "Apalagi berbulu domba"
A: "Serigala tau pagi dan malam"
R: "Aku jg maunya taunya siang dan malam aja"
R: "Siang tidur siang"
R: "Malam tidur malam"
R: "Siang makan bareng kamu"
R: "Malam nonton bareng kamu"
R: "Itu aja masih seri Ta"
R: "Coba menang, lebih enak"
R: "Menanggala"
R: "Wih bagus jadi nama anak"
A: "Aku jg pengennya gt movie marathon sama kamu sambil meluk kamu sampe ketiduran gt aja terus sampe tua"
R: "Gmn caranya movie marathon kalo gabisa bayar listrik dan wifi"
R: "Lagi2 terbatas karena konsep uang"
R: "Konsep bikinan manusia"


00.00
R: *Sent a photo*
R: "Jersey angkatan SMA aku yang baru. wihi"
A: "Tanggal lahirku"
R: "Yoi"
R: "Tapi itu maksudnya tanggal lahirku yee geer"
A: "Tanggal lahir aku aja. kamu gausah"
R: "Iyadeh yg penting kamu seneng"
R: "Aku sayang Alita"
R: "Kangen juga"


01.00
R: "Kenapa ya aku mst ngorbanin apa yg aku suka buat kuliah"
A: "Emg kamu ngorbanin aku?"
R: "Bukan, yang lain"
R: "Tidur"
R: "Kalo kamu aku gasuka"
R: "Sayang tapi"
R: "Kamu aneh sih"
A: "Doing something routinely will make you insane and bored. Insanity and boredom will make you search for another way to enjoy life; be it doing your hobbies or else. Bersyukur aja."
R: "Aneh bgt sih kamu"
R: "💗"
R: "Kalo aja dosen bisa ngeliat pikiran aku ya.. Aku kan gausah bikin output"
R: "Propose via pikiran.. mentalist"
A: "Aku pengen meluk kamu rak, huhu capek pisan"
R: "Aku juga mau biar bs dipeluk sm dipijitin punggungnya"
A: "Yaudah, sholat yuk biar ga kemaleman. Nanti langsung telpon aku aja."






kemudian, apa lantas seluruh ragu terjawab
jika masa lalu terus kau anggap sebuah kesalahan
dan masa depan kau pastikan jadi pembenaran?

22.6.20

est. 2015.

"Dalam hidup, ketenangan jiwa adalah sebuah kemenangan. 
Mungkin banyak orang seperti saya ini. Hidup dan bernafas setiap hari bersama kegelisahan-kegelisahan. Berusaha menguliti setiap lapisan antara realita dan mimpi-mimpi yang berkelindan. Terkadang mereka adalah dua entitas yang menciptakan sebab dan akibat, terkadang pula mereka terasa seperti entitas kutub yang saling menolak. Atau mungkin juga tidak.
Saya selalu percaya, inilah kodratnya. Jalan yang ditempuh untuk mencapai tenang, kegelisahan-kegelisahan ini memang patut hadir dan mendapatkan ruang. Pun pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang beranak pinak di kepala, satu-satu mencari jawaban atau merelakan saja tanya yang tidak bertemu jawab sambil berdamai dengan yang lalu.
Tidak mudah. Ataukah memang saya yang tidak pernah cukup?"

17.6.20

circling the drain, counting the drops.
would it be the same as the chances we'd end up happy?
is it impossible, will it be bearable?
and it goes on
and it goes on
and it goes on.

1.5.20

Beberapa tahun yang lalu, frasa "Lembo ade" menjadi sangat familiar di telinga saya. Kalau boleh self-proclaim, nama-nama penghuni Arsitektur 2014 yang memegang kendali Ekskursi telah saya kenali dengan cukup apik. Tidak tahu apa-apa, yang jelas, Lembo Ade menjadi kata-kata yang hampir setiap hari melintas di linimasa Twitter, atau cerita di Instagram, atau mungkin seringkali tidak sengaja diceletukkan oleh Jaung saat kita sedang menjalankan ritual menonton film random bersama (walaupun Jaung bukan anak Ars juga, sih.) Yang saya tahu, kata-kata ini adalah "hadiah" yang dibawa pulang dari Ekskursi Bima, di tahun tersebut.


Sekitar satu bulan yang lalu, saya berbincang cukup banyak dengan Rakha. Pandemi ini memang aneh, bukannya memotivasi saya untuk belajar lebih banyak tentang teknologi... malah menjadikan saya haus informasi perkara Arsitektur. Dipikir-pikir lucu juga, dulu saat masih bersama Rakha, boro-boro tertarik ngomongin bangunan -- yang ada malah tertawa dengar bangunan favoritnya adalah Menara Babel. Kami bertukar referensi, dan sampai lah saya di sudut bagian Netflix yang tidak pernah saya ketahui sebelumnya, Grand Design.

Saya rasa, ada dua kutub ekstrem yang tercipta ketika memperhatikan pola karya arsitektur -- terpukau akan filosofinya, atau sebal dengan rasa-rasa pretensiusnya. Saya tertawa cukup lama ketika kami mendiskusikan sebuah rumah yang facade-nya tersusun oleh kaca-kaca pantul -- bagaimana kesalnya para tetangga pemilik rumah itu.

Walaupun hanya sekelibat perbincangan, saya jadi semakin sadar bahwa manusia ini isi kepalanya masih ada-ada saja. Dan saya pun terbawa menuju tulisannya mengenai Lembo Ade.

Kelapangan hati, lapang dada, kesederhanaan, penerimaan kekurangan,
dua kata itu membuat saya berpikir banyak. Pantas saja membekas lama di kepala mereka.

-----
"Lembo ade, saya masih banyak inginnya, saya masih banyak menuntutnya, saya masih banyak ekspektasinya. Lembo ade."

Rian.

I made you a playlist, few months ago.
it's filled up with songs that you like
or that reminded me of you
or the ones we used to sing on your motorcycle, in my bedroom, or anywhere we've been in.
either way, it's just one of the many ways to show you that i cherish your existence.

I never told you, about what is it in you that makes me crazy over you.

I guess it's your brown eyes, and how it's always suddenly gone when you laugh.
Or how your mind works, it's bizzare, i never found someone that thinks the way you do.
How you translate your surroundings into well-rounded but fun (most of the time, bitter) opinion

It's weird to see you look down on yourself
when all you have is unpolished perfection, buried deep within you
i wish someday you could see yourself the way i see you
that you're capable of so much more.

i like the way you're always stubborn over things.
Like if you want things to be done that way, it has to be
no matter what happens.

Most of the time, i miss how good you smell,
your scent stays with you,
that's why it's always nice, and kind of sad,
to hug you at every ends of our meetings.

maybe i'm too unworthy to receive all kinds of your perfection
i just thank you for ever being present in my life
you saved a spot in me.

12.4.20

sudah satu bulan rupanya.

12 Maret 2020.

Siang itu dibuka dengan cuaca yang berawan, cukup berangin, dan menyenangkan.
Berbeda dengan kencan-kencan sebelumnya, hari itu, aku yang menentukan perjalanan kita.

No. 1: Makan Fried Chicken Master di Blok M Plaza.
Hari itu kiosnya penuh sekali. Mungkin salah kita, tiba tepat pada jam makan siang. (yap, tentu saja dia mengolok-olokku dengan menyanyikan bait reff "Jam Makan Siang" milik Baskara. Sampai saat ini aku tidak tahu kenapa dia memiliki sentimen pribadi pada Bas). Tapi ya tidak apa-apa, toh kita jadi punya lebih banyak waktu untuk berbincang, sambil menunggu pesanan datang. Waktu itu, yang kuingat, kamu bercerita tentang bocah-bocah SMA teman bermain futsalmu, serta bapak tetangga yang menyebalkan. Ketika pesanan datang, aku tersenyum melihat wajah puasmu yang mengaminkan kelezatan potongan-potongan ayam itu. Benar, kan? Worth it! Mungkin ini akan kujadikan makanan perayaan kita berdua!

No. 2: Menonton "Mekah, I'm Coming!" Di Blok M.
Kamu bukan tipikal orang yang senang menonton film random di bioskop. Saat mengajakmu menonton film ini, aku sedikit takut kamu menolak. Aku juga baru kali ini, tertarik menonton film "receh" lokal. Kita sempat salah tempat, (ini salahku!) tapi untungnya masih bisa masuk sebelum terlambat. Kamu sempat bercerita tentang pameran mobil antik yang membuatmu tertarik di sela-sela waktu kita berlari-larian. Dan ternyata filmnya menyenangkan! aku juga rindu bersandar di bahu-mu, hehe. Lalu kita sholat Ashar di Surau Blok M yang terkenal itu, sambil menikmati sore di rooftopnya.


No. 2a: Makan Mie Aceh di Kantin Blok M yang direkomendasikan oleh Ibumu.
Semangkuk Mie Aceh tumis dan dua gelas Es Teh Tarik terenak yang pernah kucoba. Sekali lagi, entah karena memang juara pada kelasnya, atau karena dengan kamu aku mencobanya. Yang jelas, terima kasih banyak atas rekomendasinya, tante mamahnya Bahri! enak! Walaupun, setelah makan Mie Aceh ini kita sempat tersesat dengan bodohnya, lupa jalan menuju parkiran. Aku marah padamu untuk beberapa waktu, saat kamu sandung di tangga keluar. Bodo amat, kesel!

No. 3: Ngobrol di Taman Suropati dan liat-liat kaset di Jalan Surabaya

No. 4: Naik ke puncak Monas di malam hari dan menikmati Jakarta. *delayed*
Waktu tepat menunjukkan pukul 18.30 ketika kita sampai di sekitaran Monumen Nasional. Kita sholat Maghrib bergantian. Sialnya, hujan turun deraaaaaaaaaaaaas sekali malam itu. Berdua terjebak di musholla kecil tempat peristirahatan wisatawan. Aku tahu kamu lelah sekali, dan kebingungan. Sama, aku sangat bingung waktu itu. Tapi kita tertawa dan menghabiskan waktu mengelilingi YouTube, kamu bercerita mengenai masa-masa perkuliahan yang tiba-tiba kamu ingat.

Pukul 20.30
Hujan baru berhenti, itupun tidak sepenuhnya. Kita memutuskan untuk berjalan di bawah satu payung kecil milikku, menerobos gerimis-gerimis kecil di dinginnya Kota Jakarta. Sesekali kita berebutan, dan seperti biasa aku merasa bangga ketika celetukanku berhasil membuatmu tertawa. Monas terbilang tidak terlalu sepi dan tidak terlalu ramai malam itu, mengingat hujan yang sangat besar.



Haaaaa. Aku senang sekali waktu kita akhirnya bisa sampai di puncak Monas. Menikmati hening dan menusuknya udara malam hari itu. Katamu, biasanya, tempat ini penuh dan ngantrinya bikin gila. Tapi mungkin semesta mengerti kita butuh menyelesaikan hari ini dengan sempurna. Rasanya lebih dari sempurna.

------

Mungkin apa yang kita miliki memang jauh dari kata lengkap atau baik-baik saja, tapi aku akui, waktu yang kuhabiskan denganmu teramat menyenangkan. Terlalu banyak hal-hal yang pertama kali kulakukan, tempat-tempat yang pertama kali kudatangi, dan memori-memori yang kusayangi.

Terima kasih banyak Rahadian Bahri.