23.12.20
i'm 22!
24.11.20
19.11.20
16.11.20
winter butterflies.
13.11.20
I'll watch you sleep, listen to you breathe.
3.11.20
Phoebe Bridgers - I Know The End.
30.10.20
In my dreams everything is fine;
24.10.20
Kaki Gunung Sumbing, 2020.
20.10.20
19.10.20
3 Jam 31 Menit.
13.10.20
A Late Letter from The Q Word #6
7.10.20
A Late Letter from the Q word #5
5.10.20
28.9.20
"I watched you burn so fast, it scares me."
26.9.20
"to the narcissist i once loved."
25.9.20
4 tahun
21.9.20
A Late Letter from Q Word #4
20.9.20
"She'll fight for you like hell, then force herself, to like some other men."
They show up 100 percent.
365.
12.9.20
A late letter from Q word #3.
I listened to "Modern Love" podcast while doing work out today. It's been a while since I listened to it (almost a year! I remembered I was on a train ride home from campus that day). I chose Hasan Minhaj's episode. It was good, the title was "Researching Jenna", where a man does a research to find out the reason Jenna left him after 10 years of relationship. After all, he found out that he didn't really want to know the answers, he just needs to go through it as a part of his therapy.
Then I listened to the next episode, titled "Alone in The Pandemic", a collection of people's stories and their perspective on being alone during quarantine. I'm never really alone on my quarantine time -- but as someone who's "closed" enough, most of the times I feel alone. I never really wanted to reach out to anyone in this situation, but sometimes my mind is killing me. Maybe I do need someone after all. Maybe I just need therapy. Maybe I don't know what I need.
Someone on the episode said that the quarantine had helped her discover many things about herself. I think I'd disagree with that. Rather than knowing what I want to do, I felt like I'm a bit more lost because of this situation. All I know is I want to be loved by someone who genuinely loves me, and no one else. I want to be someone that understands the messy form that I am, the shitty person that is me. I want someone that wants to learn about me, learns with me, and grow. I want to be with someone honest, loyal, and willing to work things out. I think these qualities used to be bare minimums, but the reality is today they are rare.
I would not let someone unworthy make me sad again. I won't. I'm saving my tears for someone worthy.
10.9.20
"simultaneous utopia and dystopia"
A late letter from the Q word #2.
I watched "The Social Dilemma" today. I've seen quite many movies with the same genre, they're all typical.. claiming to "dig" the dirt behind current technology, revealing the dark secret that only people behind the tech industry know. I gained some insights tho, how nobody could be immune to the effects, not even the workers and the founders. We're all addicted to the screens, what differentiates us is just the length and the intensity.
I did some reflections too. One of the many bad things caused by targeted advertisement made by AI is polarizations, we live in the most polarized era ever. How even on the same afternoon before I watched this film, I tweeted about how stupid are the people that don't believe in social distancing. How am I so disappointed that Aldi -- re: my eternal crush -- seems to disagree with the rule. I hated that fact. Eventhough I didn't even know the alternative truth behind their beliefs.
The outtakes tho, does truth exist? Who owns it? Who has the power to decide how much of the truth are allowed to be consumed? Why do we always need to surrender ourselves to those 0,02% of riches of the world? They don't even make up for the majority of us.
The super brain is a big lie. We're all a slave of the piece of tech we have on our side every second of the day.
8.9.20
How to disappear completely?
I've had suicidal thoughts, I'm not even brave enough to cut some skins and see blood so that the pain can become real. But I do punch my knuckles to the walls just to see them became red though, occasionally. Now I see what's with all the fuss, at least the pain was real and I would know how and where to deal with it.
I ran away from sadness because that's what a loser do. I always thought that by forgetting things the scars will heal eventually, but maybe that's not so wise. Once I revisited the wound it hurts like hell, it stinks like dead rat, and everything went back to zero. The title I have is just a mere title, I don't know how to deal with my griefs. Then again who does?
In times I think about reasons to hate myself, I know that I'm just a pushover for my own feelings. I know I'm just a slave for the voices in my head. I don't know why i'm so weak, I don't know how I could forgive stupid people again and again, letting them hurt me for god knows how many times. I need to talk with someone, but I felt like no one cares. I'm so picky because I know not everyone has the time and the emotional capability of dealing with a shitty mess like me, but the one person that I know has the capabilities are no longer available in my life. She's busy doing her own life.
I don't feel like I need somebody because I still think that no living being could deal with my thoughts and myself at all.
Then again, I think decency, kindness, honesty and loyalty are so rare nowadays. It's a very expensive price to pay. And I don't have the money.
Why do I hold my door open just for people to come inside and hurt me all over again, for hundredth of times? Why do I do this? Why do I sign up for this?
How do one gets over their traumas?
I have no job, no best friend, and no purpose.
25.8.20
Saksikan Akhir Dunia Denganku.

Mari saksikan akhir dunia bersamaku,
melihat matahari mengubah warnanya menjadi merah tua
kehitam-hitaman,
hingga kita sama-sama memicingkan mata karena kesilauan.
Berlari-larian, berhamburan,
yang terlihat bodoh karena kita sama-sama tahu
tidak akan mencapai mana.
Atau jika sedang berada di bibir pantai,
melihat ombak bergulung-gulung berlomba menelan kita.
Para nelayan membusungkan dada, menyambut akhir dunia dengan bangga.
Mari saksikan akhir dunia bersamaku,
menjadi manusia terakhir yang meninggalkan bumi dengan keadaan masih jatuh cinta.
Sekeras apapun berusaha, selamanya hanyalah sementara,
beberapa menit yang tersedia antara aku kamu, dan akhir dunia.
18.8.20
11.57 KM
Tapi yaaaa emang dasarnya kangen ketemu dan ngobrol banyak sama orang aja sih hehehehe. Missing Dime here.
6.8.20
what they don't talk about when they talk about love

Fitri: "Kalo kamu bisu, gimana kamu bisa gombalin aku?"
1.8.20
we are my most favorite coincidence in 2020.
Bara kepada Api;
Lalu Sipon kepada Wiji;
harap bagai penggerak.
dan bahkan dari puruk yang paling,
kaki masih dapat beranjak.
😊
14.7.20
araksaB nagnajeW.
".iridnes irid taub hal gnaujreb tsael ta, nial gnaro taub gnaujreb asibag olak" ..nial gnay asam-asam id atila kutnu nasep tikides amuc ini nikgnum .hailuk gnajnapes tareb gnilap gnalibid asib gnay asam-asam itawelem eug ninemen hadu anerak iridnes aynnatihapek aynup nagnayab nagned iranem ,kurub uata sugab hatne .utig -- nakam kane-kane igal sap gnasip ijib tigigegn ajagnes ag kayak ,his tihap aynasar
.gnarakes gnay iridnes atila irid ek gnomogn gnay atila kayak .aynnasep ipaserem nad uti asam-asam ek kilab ,utkaw nisem ek ol tuki amas-amas kayak aynasar .irihkaid askapret surah hadu ialum muleb gnay nagnubuh ,anamig aynrihka natahilek muleb gnay ispirks .pudih malad tareb gnilap asam-asam itawelem igal eug ,ini namaker nikib ol akitek amas gnay utkaw id
12.7.20
you’ll find peace within yourself
that will stop you from creating chaos within others.
I hope someday you find closure,
so that nothing has to cling onto hesitations and uncertainty,
I hope you can someday see from the other side
How people have feelings and how easy for you to break their hearts
And i hope you find happiness.
That will turn to sappy dramatic sadness in just a snap of a finger,
So that you will learn,
and crash,
and burn,
and survive from your own trauma.
I pray that your heart will break,
I hope you will understand.
11.7.20
1.7.20
you are the amber of my heart, whether you like that or not
22.50.
A: "Eh serem banget masa ada kecoa buntung lewat"
R: "Itu spesies baru, bukan buntung."
R: "Hasil kawin silang kecoa sama kelapa"
A: "Kenapa kelapa bukan keong atau tutut"
R: "Karena kelapa dan kecoa disingkat jadi kecoa. Keong juga sih.."
R: "Cuma dalam kondisi keong resesif dan kecoa dominan"
R: "Ya kelapa juga gt deng."
A: "Kalo kyk gini aku makin sayang sama kamu"
R: "Kamu sayang sm yg aneh ya?"
A: "Sama kamu pokoknya, di setiap keadaan"
R: *sent a love*
R: "Ih bisa kasih lope"
R: "Kirain tujuannya ngelove apa gt. Malah emoticon"
23.15
R: "Aneh bgt waktu."
R: "Baru duduk, udah lewat setengah jam"
R: "Apaan sih, nih"
A: "Anehan waktu apa aku?"
R: "Waktu"
A: "Yes"
R: "Kamu mah udah aneh"
A: "Yah"
R: "Manusia aneh yah"
R: "Dikejar2 waktu. Dikejar2 konsep yang dibikin sendiri."
R: "Coba serigala, gatau waktu"
R: "Apalagi berbulu domba"
A: "Serigala tau pagi dan malam"
R: "Aku jg maunya taunya siang dan malam aja"
R: "Siang tidur siang"
R: "Malam tidur malam"
R: "Siang makan bareng kamu"
R: "Malam nonton bareng kamu"
R: "Itu aja masih seri Ta"
R: "Coba menang, lebih enak"
R: "Menanggala"
R: "Wih bagus jadi nama anak"
A: "Aku jg pengennya gt movie marathon sama kamu sambil meluk kamu sampe ketiduran gt aja terus sampe tua"
R: "Gmn caranya movie marathon kalo gabisa bayar listrik dan wifi"
R: "Lagi2 terbatas karena konsep uang"
R: "Konsep bikinan manusia"
00.00
R: *Sent a photo*
R: "Jersey angkatan SMA aku yang baru. wihi"
A: "Tanggal lahirku"
R: "Yoi"
R: "Tapi itu maksudnya tanggal lahirku yee geer"
A: "Tanggal lahir aku aja. kamu gausah"
R: "Iyadeh yg penting kamu seneng"
R: "Aku sayang Alita"
R: "Kangen juga"
01.00
R: "Kenapa ya aku mst ngorbanin apa yg aku suka buat kuliah"
A: "Emg kamu ngorbanin aku?"
R: "Bukan, yang lain"
R: "Tidur"
R: "Kalo kamu aku gasuka"
R: "Sayang tapi"
R: "Kamu aneh sih"
A: "Doing something routinely will make you insane and bored. Insanity and boredom will make you search for another way to enjoy life; be it doing your hobbies or else. Bersyukur aja."
R: "Aneh bgt sih kamu"
R: "💗"
R: "Kalo aja dosen bisa ngeliat pikiran aku ya.. Aku kan gausah bikin output"
R: "Propose via pikiran.. mentalist"
A: "Aku pengen meluk kamu rak, huhu capek pisan"
R: "Aku juga mau biar bs dipeluk sm dipijitin punggungnya"
A: "Yaudah, sholat yuk biar ga kemaleman. Nanti langsung telpon aku aja."
22.6.20
est. 2015.
Mungkin banyak orang seperti saya ini. Hidup dan bernafas setiap hari bersama kegelisahan-kegelisahan. Berusaha menguliti setiap lapisan antara realita dan mimpi-mimpi yang berkelindan. Terkadang mereka adalah dua entitas yang menciptakan sebab dan akibat, terkadang pula mereka terasa seperti entitas kutub yang saling menolak. Atau mungkin juga tidak.
17.6.20
1.5.20
Sekitar satu bulan yang lalu, saya berbincang cukup banyak dengan Rakha. Pandemi ini memang aneh, bukannya memotivasi saya untuk belajar lebih banyak tentang teknologi... malah menjadikan saya haus informasi perkara Arsitektur. Dipikir-pikir lucu juga, dulu saat masih bersama Rakha, boro-boro tertarik ngomongin bangunan -- yang ada malah tertawa dengar bangunan favoritnya adalah Menara Babel. Kami bertukar referensi, dan sampai lah saya di sudut bagian Netflix yang tidak pernah saya ketahui sebelumnya, Grand Design.
Saya rasa, ada dua kutub ekstrem yang tercipta ketika memperhatikan pola karya arsitektur -- terpukau akan filosofinya, atau sebal dengan rasa-rasa pretensiusnya. Saya tertawa cukup lama ketika kami mendiskusikan sebuah rumah yang facade-nya tersusun oleh kaca-kaca pantul -- bagaimana kesalnya para tetangga pemilik rumah itu.
Walaupun hanya sekelibat perbincangan, saya jadi semakin sadar bahwa manusia ini isi kepalanya masih ada-ada saja. Dan saya pun terbawa menuju tulisannya mengenai Lembo Ade.
Kelapangan hati, lapang dada, kesederhanaan, penerimaan kekurangan,
dua kata itu membuat saya berpikir banyak. Pantas saja membekas lama di kepala mereka.
-----
"Lembo ade, saya masih banyak inginnya, saya masih banyak menuntutnya, saya masih banyak ekspektasinya. Lembo ade."
Rian.
it's filled up with songs that you like
or that reminded me of you
or the ones we used to sing on your motorcycle, in my bedroom, or anywhere we've been in.
either way, it's just one of the many ways to show you that i cherish your existence.
I never told you, about what is it in you that makes me crazy over you.
I guess it's your brown eyes, and how it's always suddenly gone when you laugh.
Or how your mind works, it's bizzare, i never found someone that thinks the way you do.
How you translate your surroundings into well-rounded but fun (most of the time, bitter) opinion
It's weird to see you look down on yourself
when all you have is unpolished perfection, buried deep within you
i wish someday you could see yourself the way i see you
that you're capable of so much more.
i like the way you're always stubborn over things.
Like if you want things to be done that way, it has to be
no matter what happens.
Most of the time, i miss how good you smell,
your scent stays with you,
that's why it's always nice, and kind of sad,
to hug you at every ends of our meetings.
maybe i'm too unworthy to receive all kinds of your perfection
i just thank you for ever being present in my life
you saved a spot in me.
12.4.20
sudah satu bulan rupanya.
Siang itu dibuka dengan cuaca yang berawan, cukup berangin, dan menyenangkan.
Berbeda dengan kencan-kencan sebelumnya, hari itu, aku yang menentukan perjalanan kita.
No. 1: Makan Fried Chicken Master di Blok M Plaza.
Hari itu kiosnya penuh sekali. Mungkin salah kita, tiba tepat pada jam makan siang. (yap, tentu saja dia mengolok-olokku dengan menyanyikan bait reff "Jam Makan Siang" milik Baskara. Sampai saat ini aku tidak tahu kenapa dia memiliki sentimen pribadi pada Bas). Tapi ya tidak apa-apa, toh kita jadi punya lebih banyak waktu untuk berbincang, sambil menunggu pesanan datang. Waktu itu, yang kuingat, kamu bercerita tentang bocah-bocah SMA teman bermain futsalmu, serta bapak tetangga yang menyebalkan. Ketika pesanan datang, aku tersenyum melihat wajah puasmu yang mengaminkan kelezatan potongan-potongan ayam itu. Benar, kan? Worth it! Mungkin ini akan kujadikan makanan perayaan kita berdua!
No. 2: Menonton "Mekah, I'm Coming!" Di Blok M.
Kamu bukan tipikal orang yang senang menonton film random di bioskop. Saat mengajakmu menonton film ini, aku sedikit takut kamu menolak. Aku juga baru kali ini, tertarik menonton film "receh" lokal. Kita sempat salah tempat, (ini salahku!) tapi untungnya masih bisa masuk sebelum terlambat. Kamu sempat bercerita tentang pameran mobil antik yang membuatmu tertarik di sela-sela waktu kita berlari-larian. Dan ternyata filmnya menyenangkan! aku juga rindu bersandar di bahu-mu, hehe. Lalu kita sholat Ashar di Surau Blok M yang terkenal itu, sambil menikmati sore di rooftopnya.
No. 2a: Makan Mie Aceh di Kantin Blok M yang direkomendasikan oleh Ibumu.
Semangkuk Mie Aceh tumis dan dua gelas Es Teh Tarik terenak yang pernah kucoba. Sekali lagi, entah karena memang juara pada kelasnya, atau karena dengan kamu aku mencobanya. Yang jelas, terima kasih banyak atas rekomendasinya, tante mamahnya Bahri! enak! Walaupun, setelah makan Mie Aceh ini kita sempat tersesat dengan bodohnya, lupa jalan menuju parkiran. Aku marah padamu untuk beberapa waktu, saat kamu sandung di tangga keluar. Bodo amat, kesel!
Waktu tepat menunjukkan pukul 18.30 ketika kita sampai di sekitaran Monumen Nasional. Kita sholat Maghrib bergantian. Sialnya, hujan turun deraaaaaaaaaaaaas sekali malam itu. Berdua terjebak di musholla kecil tempat peristirahatan wisatawan. Aku tahu kamu lelah sekali, dan kebingungan. Sama, aku sangat bingung waktu itu. Tapi kita tertawa dan menghabiskan waktu mengelilingi YouTube, kamu bercerita mengenai masa-masa perkuliahan yang tiba-tiba kamu ingat.
Pukul 20.30
Hujan baru berhenti, itupun tidak sepenuhnya. Kita memutuskan untuk berjalan di bawah satu payung kecil milikku, menerobos gerimis-gerimis kecil di dinginnya Kota Jakarta. Sesekali kita berebutan, dan seperti biasa aku merasa bangga ketika celetukanku berhasil membuatmu tertawa. Monas terbilang tidak terlalu sepi dan tidak terlalu ramai malam itu, mengingat hujan yang sangat besar.
Haaaaa. Aku senang sekali waktu kita akhirnya bisa sampai di puncak Monas. Menikmati hening dan menusuknya udara malam hari itu. Katamu, biasanya, tempat ini penuh dan ngantrinya bikin gila. Tapi mungkin semesta mengerti kita butuh menyelesaikan hari ini dengan sempurna. Rasanya lebih dari sempurna.
------
Mungkin apa yang kita miliki memang jauh dari kata lengkap atau baik-baik saja, tapi aku akui, waktu yang kuhabiskan denganmu teramat menyenangkan. Terlalu banyak hal-hal yang pertama kali kulakukan, tempat-tempat yang pertama kali kudatangi, dan memori-memori yang kusayangi.
Terima kasih banyak Rahadian Bahri.



















