^-^

 

"And how will I know
If history repeats itself?
How will I know
When it's gonna come back around?
How will I know?
Has my faced changed, baby?
How will I know?
I'll stay ready 

for you to take me, take me, 

take me take me"

 So what are we, and what do we do now?

Lately I've been feeling so confused -- like living in constant limbo.

The sky looks grey, no matter which day.

bingung harus apa, harus ngapain, mau apa.

always feeling like i'm not enough to achieve anything, or to even start pursuing anything.

capek juga punya tendensi self-sabotaging yang kenceng banget.

maybe that's why I can't seem to plan and see ahead, karena udah keburu ngerasa ga bakal mampu dan ga suka berencana.

you smell like fresh soap.

it's comforting.

Kalau ditanya, paling iri sama orang yang kayak gimana?

Jawaban saya tegas, orang yang bisa melihat worth dirinya sendiri tanpa dikaburkan gangguan-gangguan lainnya. Saya lupa, kapan terakhir kali kapan menjadi demikian.

Been wasting my time for god knows how long, 

staying with people who clearly don't deserve me. Just because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that nobody could accept the mess that I have, if I have to leave

I'm afraid that nobody could ever love me for what I am, if I don't adjust and apologize.

Rasanya sedih.. setiap kali harus saya yang memulai, saya yang menjaga, dan saya yang berusaha

padahal hubungannya milik berdua. Mau pergi pun juga, kemana? Jika saya sudah terlanjur membangun rumah di tangan-tangannya, yang bahkan selalu enggan saya genggam?

Nothing can help someone in love,

not a framework, nor logic

not even a PhD.

I love you even when you hurt me all over again

when even after I forgave you and convinced myself to give you another chance,

you still do.

I love you even when you don't even ask about how my day was,

when even on the morning I had to take shooting pills because my nerves put me on the edge

and on the evening I can't sleep because scary thoughts kept me wide awake

you don't even care.

I love you even when you treat me in the coldest manner one could ever imagine

and in every waking part of my day, I kept thinking if there are any other couples out there

who just talked 3 sentences with 3 words to each other in a day.

I still love you even when I never know where I stand with you,

when every time I call I always fear that you'd have many things much more important than me

I'm scared of caring 

because most of the time, you'd find it annoying.

Jika apa yang telah berjuta hari kita jalani,

memang benar hanya sekedar simulasi

dan manusia adalah Tuhan bagi kehidupannya masing-masing,

aku hanya berharap, aku menjadi manusia yang pandai bermain sulap.

mengubah kembali cara pandangmu 

yang sudah menghitam, di setiap saat kamu melihat aku.

mengganti benci yang perlahan tumbuh,

dengan harap dan kasih yang senantiasa penuh.

--

Tetapi nyatanya, aku manusia biasa.

Yang bahkan kuasa atas diri sendiri pun tidak punya.