cadburry's hot chocolate, and how you simply love it.

it's 22nd of October.
12.30 am, to be exact.
and i'm wondering how was your day
was it great? did everything went well?
and i'm wondering, what dreams are you dreaming now...
is it cool? is there any me?

funny that i just found out that you look exactly like James Dean.
Remember James Dean? I used to call you by that name and you called me Audrey Hepburn..
simply because we love Sleeping With Sirens' "If I'm James Dean You're Audrey Hepburn" that much.
well not exactly, but Dean's glasses frame somehow reminds me of yours.

It's late at night, and today is your birthday. i'm writing this while listening to our favorite songs from back then. Do you remember? the Pierce The Veil thingy... we used to sing their songs out loud together.

Dean, you grow bigger and taller really fast. I almost couldn't recognize the hands i used to hold; the body i used to hug; and the face that i used to adore. you seemed to change that much....

but do you still the same James Dean that i love?
the one that went to bed so early,
the one that drink cadburry's hot chocolate in rainy days, and shared some with me
the one that fell asleep so easily in my balcony
the one that laughed with me at silly jokes and not-so-funny videos
the one that called me just to hear me talking about nothing and everything..
the one that sang and played guitar for me eventhough we both know that you couldn't do both
the one that with pure sincerity reads me fairytale through the phone until i fell asleep
the one that encouraged me to do what i thought i couldn't do
the one that still chasing me eventhough i had tell him to stop
the one that accepted me as i am, no more and no less
the one that i love so much it hurts...

i'm starting to talk nonsense.



happy 16th birthday, my very own James Dean.

aku ingin menemuimu,
di sebuah ujung cerita yang bahagia.
tanpa harus bertanya mengapa?
cukup kita berdua.

aku ingin menemuimu,
dalam sebuah kepastian.
tanpa harus bertanya kapan?
cukup berjalan tanpa harus berlarian.

-

Banyak yang ingin aku sampaikan
kepada keramaian
ingin aku teriakkan
akan kuceritakan tentang kekosongan.

Banyak yang ingin aku sampaikan
kepada sebongkah sepi
ingin aku bisiki
elegi tentang hati yang selalu sendiri.

Banyak yang ingin aku sampaikan
kepada Tuhan
kepada daun yang berjatuhan
kepada doa yang tak tersampaikan
kepada air mata yang berjatuhan
kepada sebuah hati yang hancur berantakan

Ini adalah sebuah cerita tentang air mata
yang mengalir lembut diiringi hela dan doa.
Mengapa bunda titikkan air mata?

Jika waktu menjebakmu dalam usia, bunda,
Biarkanlah aku menua bersamamu.
Fana hanyalah akal bulus milik manusia;
kita selamanya.

Aku mau mencintaimu dengan sederhana, bunda.
Sesederhana tawa anak kecil di pematang senja.
Begitu lepas, bebas.

Aku mau mencintaimu dengan sederhana, bunda.
Sesederhana aksara,
Sesederhana satu, dua, dan tiga.

Doamu yang mengantarkanku terlelap menuju mimpi;
pun doamu yang membangunkanku untuk menyambut pagi.

Doamu yang mengantarku pergi menjalani hari;
pun doamu yang menjemputku pulang untuk kembali.

Bunda,
Dalam gelap aku menemukanmu,
menuju terang aku dituntunmu.

Terekam oleh mata,
terbaca oleh lidah,
terdengar oleh telinga,
dan teresap oleh jiwa.
Begitu definisi cintaku pada sosokmu.

Ini adalah sebuah ode tentang hati yang lirih.
Enggan berkata lelah walau raganya mulai meletih.
Mengapa bunda tak pernah bersedih?

"Sepi… 

sepi dan sendiri aku benci.

Ingin bingar

aku mau di pasar

Bosan aku dengan penat

Dan enyah saja engkau pekat

Seperti berjelaga,

jika kusendiri."

sekelumit.

ini aku menuliskan tentang sesuatu yang aku tak tahu;
sepuluh september, lima belas menit sebelum hari baru.

aku sedang duduk dan menikmati suara layur yang mengcover sebuah lagu dari band favorit kita.

ya, the trees and the wild.
kita dahulu hanya dua cerita berlawanan yang tidak saling mengenal.
Terhempas ke arah satu sama lain secara tidak disengaja.

aku ingat, aku dulu tidak suka sama sekali dengan band ini.
namun caramu menceritakan mereka, walaupun aku tidak melihatmu kala itu, membuatku mengerti bahwa ada sesuatu yang lebih dari sekedar musik dibalik band ini.

singkat cerita,
kita tumbuh mencintai mereka bersama-sama.
konyol, masih ingatkah tentang impian membawa mereka ke kota hujan kita yang indah ini, bersama-sama?
walaupun masih belum terlaksana, dan aku yakin kamu lupa.

ingatkah saat kita terjaga, waktu itu pukul dua.
entah apa yang kau pikirkan saat itu; kita memang sangat berbeda. 4 tahun itu tidak dekat.

perbedaan itu ternyata tak mengganggu, apabila kita tidak mengganggapnya sebagai benalu.

aku ingat, ketika kita sama-sama mendukung tim sepakbola yang sama pula. 
Bangau Merah.
kita berdebat panjang tentang siapa yang harus mengisi posisi mana. permainan tolol mereka pada musim paceklik gol saat itu.

aku ingat, kamu seorang pemain drum,
yang memiliki cita-cita jadi gitaris. haha, kau sekonyol itu dulu.

aku ingat, dibalik sosokmu yang kuat dan tegar,
dibalik matamu yang memandang jauh dan tajam,
dibalik tawamu yang keras dan susah padam,




waktu itu pukul tiga pagi, vat.
dan aku tahu kamu hampir menangis;

biar Tuhan, dan Aku yang tahu mengapa.




-ini hanya cerita orang asing tentang orang asing lainnya-

I'm writing this 168 hours away from the night we spent together.

You know, that night, when you chose to come back and pick me up with your pathetic motorcycle?

I smiled everytime I remember why I chose not to ask you the reason why you come back.

It was raining so hard, and our home is about 11 kilometres away.

But you didn't complain about it

at all.

I smiled everytime I remember how you eat the fried rice, edaciously.

I smiled everytime I remember the way you glanced at me.

hey, I wonder if you felt the same

It was all perfect, wasn't it?

Even if i was soaked and wet

and was so close to catch a cold,

I still thanked god for that little time of our togetherness.

It was all perfect, wasn't it?

How we laugh helplessly

endlessly

to the jokes that only we could understand,

to the stupid thing we've done,

and we didn't do

back then.

It was all perfect, wasn't it?

the way we enjoyed every second alone, together

Hey, G, If God could grant me any wish that night

i'd ask him to give me the abillity to stop time

and be immortal with you.

To always reminisce the way you laugh,

or the way you talk,

or the way you felt guilty toward me,

or the way you lend me your jacket.

or maybe, the way that you will hurt me all over again?

that's alright.

Or maybe the very next day.

the day when we were standing side by side

talking about nothing

and everything

at once.

I remember the look on your face

how you did barely good on hiding your feeling

I knew, it was love.

I remember the look on your face

the way you rumble when everything went not as what you've planned

and how i laughed at how paranoid you were.

it's funny how we turned out knowing we loved each other as much,

but we still chose to part ways.

I still remember the day you chose to break the silence between us.

I wasn't expecting things to be as complicated as we are in, right now.

Hey, G.

Everything was perfect.

simply perfect.

if only we weren't that selfish.

It was all perfect,

until you come back.