"Aku mulai sering berbicara pada diriku sendiri, hanya untuk memastikan ia tetap di sana. Masa lalu sering membuatnya lupa, kalau ada hari ini yang berarti. Masa depan selalu membuatnya risau, selalu saja ia menganggap hari ini adalah kesalahan yang ingin segera ia sudahi." -tjuandha

kesendirian seringkali membuatku lupa,
bahwa walau raga tertinggal tunggal,
rasa harusnya tak sama-sama tanggal.

malam yang dingin dan pekat, kurasa jauh lebih jahat
seperti sendiri-sendiri yang telah kulewati sebelumnya.

Sunday, 8/4/18.

Hey. 
Thank you for being here.
You're my midnight getaway,
my late night supper
after a long time.

To all the talks and the laughs,
to your sleepy eyes
to your grins and smiles,
i'm grateful.

Here's to having a late late dinner,
at a Mc Donalds joint,
at 02.00 AM in the morning.

you're the escape i've been looking for.

some nights you just happen to realize,
that even after all this time,
you're still broken.
funny how the heart can pull a joke like this.
it's been a year,
but why does it still feel like it was yesterday...

it wasn't supposed to be like this.
i should be happy seeing you happy.
you don't even need me from the very start.

everything in me is complicated, and weirdly, my defense mechanism seem to project the opposite. now that we're getting closer, i tend to simplify things. maybe this is good, i don't know, i'm sorry.
i just woke up this morning and realize that this isn't love, that i don't like you. i'm just lonely, that's it. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. let's work this up, arty.

still my favorite April.

Hi Ze.
It's been a long--very long while since we last met;
it was somewhen in May 2016 if i'm not mistaken?
Because the next meeting was unplanned and unexpected, i was with Gilang after all.

You're always on my mind since then.
Never left and never will.

Last night has been surreal for me, seeing you standing in front of me,
you caught me off guard, you really did.

Maybe it's just me, maybe it's all in my mind, or maybe it's because it was you..

though the fist meeting was short and i didn't even know if you noticed it was me or not,
i'm glad that god gave me another chance to meet and talk to you,
you were alone at the back of the crowd, nothing new.
If you'd only knew, i was shaking, gathering words and courage just to walk myself up to you.

"Hi Ze, sama siapa?" a stupid question for i knew you came with Momo.
"Eh, sama Momo tadi"
your smile is the kind of smile that could make me fall in love with Rossi so instantly.

Isn't it sad and wonderful at the same time,
to know that i haven't changed even a bit, after everything i've been through?

At times i think that the very existence of me annoy you,
that i'm of no important to your life.
But not last night,
i just want you to understand that you too could make an impact on someone,
other than her, Ze.

that there'll always be someone who can accept you just the way you are,
the personality that you bear. Without you have to change anything about it.

Ze, i hope meeting me left something on you.
Just like what you did on me.

I'm happy that you seem to have been put together;
and if last night was the last time i saw you, i'm so thankful for it.                                                                                                                                                                                  

aarkh,

comparing me to your so-called best friend?
best friend? you can kiss my ass.

congratulations on your first valentine love playlist.

This is making me constantly tired. Numb.
I tried not to be sad, i tried.
I'm sorry if what i do makes you hate me even more.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that i love you in a wrong way,
i'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being constantly sad, i'm sorry, i'm pathetic, you said so.

I'm sorry, maybe i don't deserve anyone

i don't deserve happiness.

I'm sorry for being me, sorry for interrupting your life way too much.

I just hope the very last present i gave on your birthday made you smile just once.

I'm sorry for existing