as you grow, you grow

a week of hardships could bring me so many lessons;
like how far i've changed in terms of how i love.
gue sadar udah seberapa jauh gue jadi orang yang berbeda.
like i was a constant believer that i'm that easy to fall in love with details
shit, i don't know how it could put me in such disaster
gila kali ya.

selamat ya, bangga.

day 20. A self-made heart break.

Day 20. 

I guess. 
we talked last night. 
for the first time. 
nah, i talked to you last night. weird it wasn't really the best feeling. maybe it's because i saw it coming?

anyway, i haven't got the chance to say.. thank you for existing?

because your existence alone could make me happy.

I just wish someday you got the chance to know it. 

That you made someone else happy.

This is weird. too weird. I should be doing my deadlines instead of mumbling nonsense words like this... you probably won't ever find out anyway. about this. about my feelings.

I'm a flawed human being, with worries and a non-stop working brain. I can't stay self-less. I'm not what i was back in senior high school when being a secret admirer was as easy as having an afternoon nap.

I like you. I really like every little thing about you. 

I really hope someday you'd notice,

I really hope someday you'll find out about this.

Dear God, just this once

will you please give us chance?

41.

Aku tidak pandai menyimpan rahasia,

apalagi tentang perasaanku padamu yang seharusnya tak diketahui oleh sesiapa.

Tapi Tuhan tahu. Aku yang menyebut-nyebut namamu dalam doa. Lagipula aku tak berdaya, Ia maha tahu segalanya.

Angin tahu, aku yang membisikkan tentangmu padanya. Lagipula ia hanya terasa, tak bisa tersentuh apalagi berbicara. Ia hanya pendengar yang bijaksana.

Langit tahu. Aku yang mendeskripsikan keindahanmu padanya. Lagipula, langit hanya diam dan melihatku saja, ia menyambut ceritaku dengan senyum lembut dan tatapan yang menyenangkan.

Matahari suka mencuri dengar. Kupikir tidak apa, kehangatannya menenangkan. Tanpanya, hari-harimu kelabu... aku tidak ingin itu.

Bulan pun minta diberitakan. 

Kupikir tidak apa, ia bisa mencerahkan gelapku yang tidak terpecahkan.

Katanya, memang jatuh cinta padamu itu gaduh bagai gemuruh,

tidak bisa diam-diam.

Too many lessons learned in such short notice

ternyata emang bener, kalo lamanya waktu gaada hubungannya sama seberapa banyak memori yang terbentuk, seberapa dalam perasaan yang nyangkut, seberapa jauh perjalanan yang dilalui.
sama orang-orang ini, gue menemukan banyak hal baru yang belum pernah gue rasa dan gue lalui sebelumnya. Call me names, but this is my first time and i'm not regretting even a second of it.
Kayak, dikasih hadiah sama Tuhan. Bisa bantu-bantu di acara yang tema-nya memang hal yang gue senangi. Hadiahnya masih berbonus-bonus pula, dikasih partner yang sesabar mutiara dan semenyenangkan Azis.

Rasanya masih surreal. Dan gak pengen selesai. Kenapa juga harus sebentar banget sih.. gue masih pengen ngerasain ngantuk-ngantukkan di kereta menuju Sudirman--terus seketika ngantuknya ilang pas udah kaki udah nginjek menara mandiri. Rasanya masih pengen jadi tiba-tiba sok inggris kalo kedatengan pembicara bule, hahahaha. Masih pengen curhat segala macemnya ke muti, masih pengen sharing insights sama CEO ter-humble sepanjang masa, azis. He.

Lagian susah sih gue dilahirin picky gini, mau volunteeran aja harus nyari yang sesuai interest gue dulu. lol. Tapi ya buktinya, perasaan gue masih kebawa sampe sekarang. sampe detik ini. Kan semua yang dikerjain secara ikhlas gabakal kerasa capeknya, ya kan?

Anyway, terima kasih buat eben dan irfan yang menjadi dua orang pertama yang gue kenal di TIA!

dan terima kasih Galang. Rasanya terakhir kali gue ngerasa suka-sukaan lucu gitu pas SMP deh, hehehehe. Kapan lagi cuma dimintain booklet doang gue naksirnya bisa sampe kebawa mimpi.

Semoga masih bisa ketemu banyak wajah yang sama di TIA Oktober nanti. sampai jumpa teman-teman.

Copeland, Coffee, and suddenly i miss you.

accidentally stumbled on  one of your favorite acoustic musician, Copeland.
still remember how happy you were to finally see them again, live in Bandung, few years ago
thought you wouldn't talk about it
but we found a way to keep each other
talking.

like how you always take a shower before going to sleep
no matter how late it is already.
like how you almost always
avoid eye contacts with people
but not me.

after everything, i'm still caught up in whatifs.
what if we worked out.

in many mornings, since February. your name is the first to popped up on my phone screen. and in many nights also, the talks about everything we like in common would likely accompany me to a good night sleep.

in many afternoons, i spent my time daydreaming about what's happening. About the intention. but in many afternoons also, i stopped myself from expecting.

in many evenings, we spent the day talking and watching our favorite movie. in many evenings also, i felt sad that we talk about so many things--but not talk about deeper things. 

in one particular midnight. we spent the weekend going to someplace afar. looking for our favorite books about dying superheroes. you know. that one particular midnight where the day seems like it refuses to end itself.

in one particular day, though, i played with your cats. watching your favorite episodes. met your mom. eating while laughing in your living room.

in the passing time, since i met you. i felt the vast emptiness inside me keep on growing. I know you but i don't know you.