A late letter from Q word #3.

I listened to "Modern Love" podcast while doing work out today. It's been a while since I listened to it (almost a year! I remembered I was on a train ride home from campus that day). I chose Hasan Minhaj's episode. It was good, the title was "Researching Jenna", where a man does a research to find out the reason Jenna left him after 10 years of relationship. After all, he found out that he didn't really want to know the answers, he just needs to go through it as a part of his therapy.

Then I listened to the next episode, titled "Alone in The Pandemic", a collection of people's stories and their perspective on being alone during quarantine. I'm never really alone on my quarantine time -- but as someone who's "closed" enough, most of the times I feel alone. I never really wanted to reach out to anyone in this situation, but sometimes my mind is killing me. Maybe I do need someone after all. Maybe I just need therapy. Maybe I don't know what I need.

Someone on the episode said that the quarantine had helped her discover many things about herself. I think I'd disagree with that. Rather than knowing what I want to do, I felt like I'm a bit more lost because of this situation. All I know is I want to be loved by someone who genuinely loves me, and no one else. I want to be someone that understands the messy form that I am, the shitty person that is me. I want someone that wants to learn about me, learns with me, and grow. I want to be with someone honest, loyal, and willing to work things out. I think these qualities used to be bare minimums, but the reality is today they are rare.

I would not let someone unworthy make me sad again. I won't. I'm saving my tears for someone worthy.