excerpt from words that move us up until this day--semoga kamu ingat.

it's not about you, nor your inconsistency. No, it's not about you.
It's about me, again i'm sorry it's always about me..
I'm sad, i'm sad to see those pretty eyes of yours; that eventually potray your feelings to her, even more meaningful than your trembling words.
I'm sad that i know you love her that much. I could see. It's my specialization, remember? i'm majoring in psychology. (sombong)

Well, i don't know either. To be honest, aku juga gatau. Aku bener-bener gatau harus gimana. I don't really care about labels or statuses, they can get the fuck off. All i care about is your feeling, i want to know what state are you standing in.

I could see from your eyes, i could hear from your trembling voice. You do love her, you did, and you still are. The only reason why you never think you're ready is because you don't want to be ready. You expect things to be as good as it was the first time you meet her and (i'm going to sound so judgmental i dont care) believe me, it won't. What concrete things have you done to get yourself prepared to start anew? or haven't you ever think about starting--at all?

If it's for myself, i'm sad because i feel like i don't deserve to be loved by anyone; to make it credible, even after 10 months of relationship with my last ex, he told me he never loved me, ever, and don't think that he could, ever. If you ask me what state i'm standing in right now? I guess i'll answer it with, I don't believe in  love. Love is an illusion that human mind created. BEda sama sayang, aku tau sayang itu gimana rasanya. But love? What is love? gaada. Gaada measurementnya.

Aku mau punya suatu hubungan yang sangat loose, yang riang, yang ga nambah-nambahin beban satu sama lain. "When we manage to love without any expectation, things will get easier."

It's hard, this state, i know. But i've been through it, i got through it. I want to make you happy, let's make each other happy. I want to help you--but the question is, apa kamu udah mau keluar dari labirin yang kamu buat sendiri? Kapan kamu mau siap kalo efffort untuk menyiapkan aja gaada?

Sejujurnya, sebelum ketemu kamu, aku udah males banget sama yang namanya memulai hubungan lagi, apalah itu, Aku males harus drown in jealousy lagi. Harus terikat lagi. Dan ketika sekarang aku memutuskan buat membuka diri aku ke kamu, aku mau lepas dari belenggu itu--kecemburuan, semua keribetan yang menjadi konflik utama sebuah hubungan. Tapi bakal beda ceritanya kalo kamu masih memilih berhenti dan terikat di belenggu milikmu. Aku cuma mau kamu tau aku udah lepas dari belenggu itu.

I'm not asking anything from you. Just your time and our togetherness and your laughter. I'm not keeping you from going, I'm not going anywhere either, Rak. Aku ada disini buat kamu, no matter what situation you're at. Aku sayang kamu.